Friday, June 26, 2009

IBS or just str8 up Anxiety?

Is it me, or has LA given me a painstakingly high amount of anxiety? I fucking hate it here. I'm moving back to Chicago at my 1 year mark here, in this shitty soulless city, if it doesn't give me a worthwhile, livable wage job. Fuck driving everywhere to get anywhere. I'm pining for my shitty co-0ped Schwinn right about now. I'd rather ride my bike in the fucking snow than drive on the fucking freeway here in rush hour.

Chicago in T minus 10 days. Can.Not.Wait.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Love.

I need more love in my life. I want to get a kitty. A kitty that will love me always, and purr in my ear when I sleep. My friend knows of a litter of kittens that need adopting...And since I'm adopted, I think it's only appropriate that that give back to the universe and adopt me a kitty! I also want a boyfriend. I'm a monogamous person, I can't do the whole single thing. I don't like it. I've got needs, and they are all physical, they're emotional too. I get lonely sometimes. Sometimes, I just wanna come home from work and watch tv with a cute boy whom I can call my boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with that, right? :(

Monday, April 6, 2009

Questions following more Questions. Questions as answers.

I like getting back in touch with people whom I've lost touch with years ago. They are my history. I like remembering small details about my past, just from hearing a song I once listened to long ago. This constant affection for reminiscing, it insures me and gives me a false positive for what I soon won't remember. Are we getting older? I don't feel any older. Wiser, maybe; experienced, maybe; older? No. I have a fear of forgetting my past. I've done a lot of good, and I've done a lot of bad, but regardless, it is me. It has shaped me into this person, who I have finally come to terms with, and its on a higher level than just pure and simple consciousness. I am aware. I'm aware of all my weaknesses and strengths. I'm aware of my boundaries and my limits, but am not limited to those that I feel restrain me. Maybe I am finding ways to get out of it, to surpass, and to break free. Freedom, I feel its a figment of an imagination from years past. I want to experience the most concrete and congruent denotation of the word. It is just a word. It's not a feeling. To feel free would be to feel dead, and how can we feel dead, when we are dead? Trickery. But, death is not the end. So, maybe that is the beginning, and that is the freedom that we all hope for. Because we all live on, maybe not as humans, maybe not enslaved in our bodies, but maybe that's not "life." Maybe, life is beyond this life that we think of as life, and our true meaning of life is further beyond life as death. Is our existence meaningless? What would make it meaningful? Money? Sex? Partnership? Offspring? What makes this life meaningful? Selfishness? Compassion for others? Success? What are we existing for? So that we can get past this stage? So that we can see what is beyond this? Maybe our whole point is to experience ourselves in different places and time, and in different forms, so that we will get an idea, a perspective of what it is like as an other. But most people can't remember their past lives, or who or what they once were, so again, was this pointless? How can we appreciate something we ourselves can't remember?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

My life is ironic.

Went to a few bars tonight...Hating every second of it, up until we ended up at Roosterfish, a gay bar. Why do I thrive at gay bars? It feels like home. Gay men love me, and I love them. I'm surprised at how many gay men actually came up to talk to me, and how many of them told me I was "so beautiful." I'm not going to deny that its a total ego booster, because for one, those guys don't need to talk me up to get me in the sack, that's the last thing on their mind. I miss Sean, and John, and Sergio, and Ike, James Sommer, and James Newell, and all the gay men in my life. I have no gay friends out here, it makes me sad. I met the cutest, gay, east coast Jew ever tonight, as well as a half Lebonese Christian, half Greek gay, who deposited on me some news that his lover of this past year has confessed that he has a wife and kid. I felt honored that he would ask of my opinion, and even consider telling me of such an embarrassing and heart breaking story. Yeah, we were at a bar, I'm sure he was drunk, but I like that I give off certain vibes to certain people, and that they can read them. All in all, I miss my gays. I miss my wit that naturally exudes within this queer environment we call fag-ulous.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Life. Not the cereal, the real deal.

So, shit, life- Life is crazy. I love when life sneak attacks you and good things come out of nowhere. I love when life is completely spontaneous and fun. That has been my life these past few days. I can't complain. Reconnecting with people is such a good feeling. I don't know what it is, but whenever I get reacquainted with someone, i just feel that much more connected with them. I've had a lot of re-connections with good people lately. Some with people who ended on bad terms, and some who I just inevitably lost touch with. All in all, it's great to talk again, catch up, rehash. I'm really starting to take advantage of life, I think. I know I'm impulsive. But I totally believe in living for this moment. Sure, plan for the future, but don't plan on it turning out the way you wanted it to. I want no regrets. I want to see life differently, so I'm gonna live life differently, and not look back. I just got the best breath of fresh air a girl could get.

Friday, March 6, 2009

There goes three years.

It's over. I'm okay with it, but it still burns more than ever. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I'm sorry baby, I've neglected you.

Big news... I am starting a clothing company! I'm really excited. I finally feel like maybe my schooling was worth it. It's going to originally start as a women's contemporary clothing company, and then expand into unisex. I can't give all the details yet, because I haven't finalized all of the legalities, but, if you are interested and think that you can contribute to a clothing company, don't hesitate to let me know! I need all the help I can get!